I revisit this story two years later to inform you that I actually under emphasized not only the strength one gains from a stache, but also the certain level of invincibility attained when donning one.
You see, last week Los Major League Mustachers planned to have our first happy hour get-together at the favorite (to some, not many) sub-dive bar, the Blarney Stone. I say ‘some, not many’ because most of the team ‘had other things to do’ that night, and I say ‘sub-dive bar’ because you have dive bar, then you have fifty feet of shit, and then you have the Blarney Stone.
Fellow Mo’ Bro Drew ‘The Calico Kid’ Formentini and I grabbed a beer and saddled up on a set of stools at the end of the bar, about two feet behind a guy and girl, either boyfriend-girlfriend or enjoying a romantic night out on the town. The bar was packed but rather quiet…in fact, eerily quiet. I was enjoying a Brooklyn Lager Chocolate Stout, Drew a triple-hops-brewed Miller Lite. He knew not to order an ordinary Lite Beer.
About two minutes later our eyes were opened to the invincibility of the mustache. Without the slightest bit of commotion or even a raise of the voice, the guy we were sitting behind absorbed a full bottle of beer to the side of his head. Drew and I heard the crash and felt the splash of beer and shards of glass immediately hit our faces and on our clothes. As we jumped up wondering what the hell just happened, the guy who was now sporting a beer bottle facial returned serve and blasted his attacker with a counter that sent the poor drunkard to the ground, lying in a pool of his own blood.
As we rushed out of the bar to avoid the potential ruining of our staches, I wiped the beer and glass off of my face. My hands were covered in my own blood. But it could have been worse. Only one shard of glass struck my forehead, so after quickly cleaning it up in the pizzeria next door, I was fine, and Drew came out virtually unscathed.
Two bottles smashing off faces no more than two feet away from us and we walked away with a single nick. There is no doubt in our minds that the strength of the stache is what caused the deflection of the glass shards, in a Chuck Norris kind of way.
So today, I write to tell you that while the mustache is still a symbol of power and will earn you instant cred in most circles, it also has superpowers which cannot be underestimated, and must be respected.
